Mental health update!

Hiyyah Everyone

Well what can I say it’s not going great tbh! 

Today my CPN came to see me after two weeks and in the space of two weeks I’ve become so unstable and extremely depressed and suicidal that she has now contacted the crisis team who will be coming to see me tomorrow!

For people who don’t know what this means I had two options either the crisis team come to the house or I am put in hospital and I really don’t want that!

Tbh right now I’m really not in a good place I am having suicidal thoughts daily, i want to self harm actually I just don’t want to be alive anymore!

I feel like a useless mum because I can’t take milly out, i cant take her to baby groups I can’t do anything with her. What kind of a mummy is that.

I honestly feel she would be better without me she has my partner and our families so she doesn’t need a useless mummy!

I mean my mood changes so often it just confuses her and i can’t do anything about it and it’s upsetting.

I want to be the best mummy I can but I let her down the first 12 months of her life and now I’m letting her down again!

She is just stuck in the house most of the day with her crazy mummy and the guilt just eats away at me everyday!

I’m heading towards a breakdown!

We are currently busy we need to pack up the house to move which we are moving to a new house in less than 4 weeks!

Trying to pack up a 3 bedroom house with a one year old pulling out everything thats been packed is so stressful and I haven’t even started packing yet!
Ive been hearing voices but not like when someone is telling you what to do it is more like when one person is talking to you its like a room full of different people are talking to me!

We are in so much debt its unbelievable!

I just can’t cope!

I really don’t want to be here anymore!
On a more positive note I had my hair done today! Totally new style! Ive never had it this short! 
Here is a pic xx

Fake smiles everyone x

Thanks for reading

Good night

Xx

1 year anniversary of my Grandad’s death! πŸ˜­πŸ˜­

A year agoToday is the day my world fell apart, when my heart broke into a billion pieces! πŸ’”πŸ’”A year ago today I lost the person who meant the world to me! Who was my world! 

A year ago today I lost My Grandad! 
A year ago today was the worst day, the worst pain I have ever felt and that pain has been with me everyday since. 
In fact today it is worse! Today I am lost! Today I just want to hug you and here your voice! 
I just want you back!
I miss you so much Grandad! I will never ever ever forget you and milly will always know what an amazing and kind hearted man and grandad you was!
The world isn’t the same now you are not in it! 
Miss you more and more everyday 
Xxxx

πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”

Thankyou for reading

Good night

Xx

Well could today get much worse! … probably not!

Hiyyah Everyone

So I am trying to be more active on my blog but I’ve just had a LOT going on!

So today we took milly to a photoshoot as we are signing her with a new agency and I am not going to lie to you all it was a f*cking disaster!!

Milly was her lovely happy self when we arrived and we was pretty organised for us anyway! 

Then it all went to sh*t!

As soon as Milly went into the studio she lost it! She usually loves the camera, loves her photo being taken and loves the attention but this morning she was like a different child!

I think there was quite a lot of factors tho, I think it was a new place, her teeth was hurting (mummy forgot the bonjella), she was tired from the early start and we didn’t take her any milk! 

But we was more organised than usual lol so that says a lot about us dosen’t itπŸ™ˆ we do try really hard!

But that’s not the worst part once we had recoverd from feeling so embarrassed because milly has never been like that before we then received a phone call from one of our bills we have been struggling to pay that we owe over 1K πŸ™ˆ

We can’t pay that! Then they wanted over Β£200 a month and we definitely can’t afford that! So I really don’t know what we are going to do! 

It’s so stressful and no mater how hard we try to get ontop of the bills etc we just get pulled back down into a lot of debt!

We barley eat as it is! We haven’t bought food in for me and my partner in months. We always make sure our baby girl has everything she needs!

My mental health is so bad right now I really dont think I can cope with this! It’s just too much!

Thanks for reading

Any advice would be appreciated!

Good night 

Xx

When you feel so unloved by your blood family!

Hiyyah Everyone

So last Wednesday my mum, dad and Grandma went over to Washington DC to see my brother and his fiance.

Which means I have basically been forgotten about! Which is not unusual when my brother is around (he is the favourite)

Basically my mum has messaged me twice but the second time was only because I messaged them to see if they wanted us to put a bet on for tgem for the grand national!

My mums horse won and once I had told her that I had transferred the winnings I haven’t heard from them. 

Which makes me feel shit!

We are looking after the dogs for them which just triggers my mental illness so badly but we have to because we owe tgem money!

So basically at the moment I’m just a dog sitter for them whilst they are away!

Wednesday the 19th is also the year anniversary of my grandad’s death and my grandad was my absolute world! 

So with all the other problems I have going on I have basically been left to deal with it by myself!

Thank god I have my amazing boyfriend and beautiful daughter to support me and to love me, and be there for me! 

I mean the day before they left they said to my partner that they can’t be there for me and my grandma. 

Don’t get me wrong I love my grandma and I know she needs support but so do I and the only person I have is my amazing partner but he has to be there for all my problems, all my brakedowns, all my mood swings, all my unstableness, all my self harm , all my suicidal thoughts. He has to take on everything!

I don’t know how I’m going to be on the 19th but it would have been nice to have all my family to support me!

I haven’t even let myself grieve properly for my grandad because I don’t want him to be gone! He was the only person in my blood family who loved me for me, who defended me, who always had faith in me, who supported me without making me feel guilty, he was my hero!

Apparently my Aunty who I hardly ever speak too in person or on the phone is going to ring me on the 19th! 

Why what’s the point!!

I will have lee and my baby girl who are in my life every single day! I don’t need people who are just ringing me to make sure I’m still alive!

Well I don’t want fake family! Family who only care when my partner points it out!

So do you know what they can all go f*ck themselves!

They don’t know or even try understand my mental illness and generally just make it worse or trigger me!

They don’t even try!

Least my partner tries! I’m lucky to have him because if I didn’t and I don’t have my grandad I would have nobody!

I would prefer to be dead than not have my partner because then I would literally have nobody to have my back!

Thanks for reading

Good night/ morning

Xx

Benefit assessment today!

Hiyyah Everyone

So today I had my benefit assessment to “prove” that I’m not well enough, that I’m not faking.

Why would you want to fake this illness. I know people do which is why we have to prove how poorly we are but they wouldn’t last a day in our shoes.

Having to fight suicidal thoughts everyday, having to self harm to be able to cope, not knowing how you are going to wake up. 

If your going to wake up happy or sad but it dosen’t matter what mood I wake up in because it switches so often and I have no warning and no control of it.

If I was well enough I would work! I have worked! I have worked my arse off then my mental illness became unbearable.

But as soon as I feel like I can work I will start looking. It may not be for a long while but when I am stable (i was going to say well but with this illness all I can be is stable) I will but right now I am very unstable.

I mean I just wish people who faked having mental health problems just to not have to work would actually have to experience what it is like just for one day!

Not every minute, every hour, every second of the 365 days a year we live. 

Like we have to do!

Everyone’s mental health problems are different but the people who pretend to suffer with it and I mean suffer is the reason why we have to fight so hard for the help we need! 

We basically have to prove we are poorly without having a visible illness… well apart from the self harm scars!

It just annoys me that because I look well with make up on (i look half dead without lol) people don’t understand how poorly I am.

Even the person who did my assesment (she was actually a nurse and not just someone who judges you for benefits) was worried about me and seemed shocked at what I have to go through daily with my borderline personality disorder, OCD, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and much more! 
I know it’s not just me who feels this way! Surely!

???

Let me know how you feel about this.

Thanks for reading

Enjoy the sunshine this afternoon!

Xx

My little ray of sunshine xx

No concentration at all!

Hiyyah Everyone 

So does this happen to any of you?

I can literally be sat watching a programme or a movie and if anyone asks me anything about it It’s like I’ve not even been watching it.

I don’t take anything in, my mind is just busy and dosen’t take anything in.

It dosen’t matter how good the programme/ movie is it is like I have never watched it.

I can sit and watch a programme with my boyfriend and he will talk to me about it and I will just be like “oh I didn’t see that” 

Or.

I will watch the same programme at least three times and my boyfriend says you’ve already watched this and I’m sure I havent.

But then he tells me what is going to happen next and it usually happens.

It’s not to do with my memory… although that’s not fantastic it’s just I can’t concentrate. 

My mind is so busy thinking of everything that I just can’t take any information in.

It’s sad but it’s my life!

Does anybody else have thus problem who suffers with borderline personality disorder or any mental health problems? 

Thanks for reading 

Good night 

Xx 

Living life with body dysmorphia and eating disorders.

Hiyyah Everyone.

So this is not something I regularly write about just because I don’t really like opening up about this part of my life.

But I’m getting worse!

I was doing ok with this part of my life but now I am going down hill again!

I used to eat then make myself sick, then I went to just not eating, then I went to eating very little to making people believe I was eating then working out like crazy!

I’m now currently eating but I am never still but because I am eating I feel and look like I am gaining weight every second of the day. . Although people are telling me I’ve lost a lot of weight.

I don’t believe this I think they are just saying this to make me feel better but it dosen’t because I know they are lying to me!

I can feel my eating disorder starting to take over my brain again, the thoughts are getting stronger and I’m loosing control.

I look in the mirror and I am disgusted with what I see. I hate everything about me and I just wish I was dead.

I feel so horrible and awful because I don’t want this life for my baby girl so I try so hard to not beat myself up or self harm around her but sometimes I don’t even realise I’m doing it.

I just feel like when I am starting to get slight control it comes back and rips that control away from me and replaces it with hate for myself, for food just for everything and there is nothing I can do!

I just feel so alone because I can’t get help for it because I’m not thin enough so they won’t help me and I have no fight left to fight this.

I think this could be the end of me because I’m struggling with my borderline personality disorder and know my ED and BD has come back with a bang and I dont know what to do!

Thanks for reading 

Good night 

Xx

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