What hurts more than words!

Hiyyah Everyone.

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while I have been feeling so mentally drained and unstable I wouldn’t have known what to write or it wouldn’t make any sense.

Anyway I don’t know what the hell happened yesterday but my partner had a total switch in personality and was very angry for no reason.

Don’t get me wrong I am hard work and I know I am but he can have a sharp tounge!

 But what he always says is I’m not angry it’s just because you aren’t feeling well you are taking it that way.

I usually agree and think yes it probably is me but not this time.

I need to go back a bit tho first back to Friday evening because for all of you who read my blog will know  that I have an eating disorders and when I was at  my grandma’s I weighed myself!

I don’t know why I did it I just felt like it was calling me but this made my partner angry but it also triggerd my brain to go wild.

I no longer wanted to eat, drink or anything I just wanted to cry. I mean I have lost weight but I’m still not what I want to weigh but I can tell you now I will never be happy with what I weigh or what I look like.

I also suffer with body dysmorphia which makes me see something totally different to everyone else so I do need reassurance that I don’t look like that!

But then I think they are probably saying that to keep me happy although it doesn’t because I just think they are lying.

Well on friday night I spoke to my partner and told him I am really struggling with my eating disorder at the moment and his reply was 

I don’t want to know I can’t cope with it again

Which he has every right to say to me but it hurt because usually he is my rock and he helps and supports me through everything like I do him.

So I was a bit taken back by his response but then over the next few days he made some more snappy comments.

Like his brother asked him to ring a Taxi and he said I snatched the phone off him.

I don’t feel I did.

But these where his words

Why are you snatching the phone off me. if your going to snatch it you can ring them and speak

Which was a low blow because I will not speak on the phone to anyone apart from family and that’s at a push.

Then we went to morrisons and all I said is that we need to go to morrisons because Milly has no food for lunch and this was his response 

You are being ver pushy lately and I don’t know why!

Then last night Milly woke up and I went into her bedroom and her big light was on and I know when I left that room it was off and just her night light was on.

So I took milly in our room and said to my partner did you turn milly’s light on and his reply was

How would I have turned milly’s light on I haven’t moved out of bed!

 So I was already a bit confused and worried when I went downstairs to make milly a bottle and both the front and back light was on and they are both sensor lights so that really freaked me out.

So I made milly’s bottle as fast as I could and ran upstairs before even putting the teat and lid on.

Obviously before I gave it to milly I put the teat on but upstairs in our bedroom where I felt safer.

Then I said to my partner I’m scared!

His response was that’s nothing new your scared of everything!

Which honestly felt like he had kicked me in the stomach.

It hurt me that much I couldn’t even cry I just laid there scared and numb.

Once milly finished her bottle I winded her but he says Are you not going to wind her properly?

I said I am.

He then said give me Milly I will do it.

So I just thought I’m not getting into an argument I will just let him do it.

I did tell him this morning that he upset me but he didn’t seem to care.

He has been nicer today so I don’t know what happened.

Then I think was it me?

Because I’ve felt so rubbish am I taking it wrong.

What do you guys think?

Thanks for reading 

Good night 

Xx

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