So this is a subject very close to my heart that I have never really opened up about.
I have suffered with eating disorders since I was around 12 -13 and I have struggled ever since.
I have a true fear of food. I hate to eat and when I do it I feel incredibly guilty.
But I used to be so much worse than that but I hid it (actually I still hide it )really well.
This is how my battle go’s
My eating disorder started in high school because in my head I was fat. My head constantly told me I was fat! I believed I was fat…
…So I didn’t eat and if I did eat usually around my parents or family I would make my self throw up.
I know it’s not nice but I had no control over the situation.
Occasionally I would have a big binge but I would always make myself sick afterwards and work out like a crazy person.
I would also count and track every single calorie that went in my body so I knew exactly how much I had to burn off.
I became that obsessed with counting calories I no longer had to search or look for how many calories I ate I just knew.
Basically my head was just a calorie counting machine. Honestly I knew what was in everything.
I wouldn’t eat a friends house I would just say I’ve already eaten or I would say I’m not hungry.
It wasn’t a lie tho because after so long of not eating I no longer felt hungry. I still felt fat but not hungry.
This went on for a long time, a very long time.
I couldn’t get any help but I also didn’t want help because I didn’t feel I needed help. I felt like I was in control…
I also have to battle everyday with body dysmorphia which isn’t as well known or understood.
It’s basically where what you see isn’t what anybody else sees when they look at you.
What definitely dosen’t help is when people say your not fat, there is nothing to you, stop being ridiculous and many other unnecessary comments.
I found this quote on pintrest but It’s not just girls. Don’t call anyone fat! And don’t skinny shame people either! Everybody is different.
I think that the media don’t help anybody they show these perfect airbrushed slim models that everyone wants to look like.
When your young you believe they just look like that and then when you grow up you know that they are airbrushed but you still want to look like them.
I also believe that it gives boys/ men and girls/ women unrealistic views of either sex.
During this time I tried diet after diet but I swear dieting made me fatter.
So then I went back to not eating (which os not the right thing to do)
My boyfriend says that when he met me over two years ago I was too thin. I felt I was really fat and needed to loose weight.
At this point I hadn’t been eating much at all and working out loads and I was very poorly mentally with both my borderline personality disorder and my eating disorder.
And when we met he had no clue that I had all these issues.
Until he asked me out on a date and it was too a restaurant.
I literally just played with my food but the more we met the more he started to realise but that was when we was spending everyday together.
I didn’t look like the girls in the magazine’s far from it but he still fell in love with me.
I don’t know why! But he did and now we have a beautiful baby girl together.
I did find pregnancy very very hard tho watching my body get bigger and bigger. I mean when I was 8.5 months pregnant people thought I was like 4 months pregnant.
But I felt huge. I still do. Since having my baby girl 9 months ago my eating disorder came back with a bang!
Well it never left I just had to fight it more to keep my baby well. I worked out every single day when I was pregnant tho. I didn’t miss one day of working out.
I’m not going to lie I was desperate to loose my baby weight and I used laxatives to kick start my weight loss. I also didn’t eat and had one shake a day and I would work out daily.
I was also and still am battling postnatal depression. I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t care about anything. I wanted to die.
Now I’m still struggling with my eating disorders but I’m trying so hard now my daughter is getting older and is taking everything in to be a good role model with food and body shaming myself.
It’s so hard tho because it’s ingrained in my head I can’t lie I struggle daily.
I try get away with not eating but my partner is well tuned into my behaviour now but if he is not in I can get away with it.
I worry about my weight daily. I weigh myself about 10x a day. I know it’s not healthy but I’m addicted.
I do need help because I don’t want my daughter to think this behaviour is right.
I want her to be confident in herself in her body. I want her to know she is beautiful even if anyone says different. I want her to be confident in her own skin. I also want her to build others confidence and not put them down.
I don’t want her to think she is “IT” I just want her to be comfortable in her own skin.
I want her to be the opposite of me!
I’m sorry I can’t give you a happy ending to my story because my story hasn’t ended.
I don’t ever think it will!
I just think/hope it will get easier.
I mean I’m no expert but if I can help any of you I will!
Thanks for reading.