I’ve decided to take up photography again.

Hiyyah everyone.

So I’ve decided to take up photography again. I used to love taking photography but because I can’t go out alone I ran out of things to take photos of… now I have Milly I have my very own model that loves her photo taken.

So I am taking up photography again because I really did used to like it but I got too poorly to even think about taking photos.

I mean I’m not well but I need to be distracted so instead of hurting myself I thought I would be a better role modle for milly. Something positive.

I don’t want milly to think that hurting yourself is right or normal.

So my new therapy is photography well not new but restarted.

So im trying to be a positive influence. I’m trying I dont know if it will last. But I have to try not for myself but for Milly 

Thanks for reading 

Night xx 

Why are doctors so rude!

Hi everyone 

So I had to give in and go to the doctors today.. anyone who knows me knows I hate going to the doctors but I just felt so poorly.

I have had a headache from hell for the past 4 days. My throat feels like I’m swallowing broken glass whenever I drink, eat, cough or even swallow. I have a constant chesty cough that won’t ease up. One minute i’m red hot and sweating next minute im freezing cold. So I gave in to everyone and went to the doctors with lee.

We waited to see the doctor, me getting more and more paranoid and anxious because people kept looking at me… I mean my cough is loud but at the time it was just making me want to leave… but I sat it out and waited to see the doctor.

…… Big Mistake!!

As soon as I walked into the office he took an instant dislike to us. He became very rude and basically said we shouldn’t have come in, he also gave me antibiotics and told me not to take them yet. I was like what? why would I not take them when you prescribed them.. so I’m taking them.

But that wasn’t the end of it. He told me I had a virus and asked if milly had been poorly and we said yes. He didn’t even check her over. 

Then he checked my ears and I have a bit of a problem with my hearing but word for word this is what he said. 

You have a lot of wax in your ears. (Rude) aren’t you supposed to wear hearing aids? (I am but I don’t because they make me really self concious) he then says your already deaf (I’m not deaf I just have trouble with a lot of background noise) so having a load of wax in your ears isn’t going to help. (To be fair A. I have very small ear canals which gives me a load of problems and B.I can’t see inside my ears. I do my best.

I also asked about my crazy pills and I honestly don’t think he is a big believer in mental illness but as I’m under the care of the hospital I didn’t have to talk to him about it thank god. Then as we left I was thinking you have just give a suicidal girl with other mental health problems who is also grieving and post natal depression all my meds,antibiotics ( which are ‘just incase,) and ear drops. It’s like he wants me to kill myself.

So yeh I never want to see that doctor again he made me feel so worthless and so stupid. Like I shouldn’t have made an appointment.

I thought doctors are here to help yo not make you more poorly. I have always hated going to the doctors and being seen as a time waster. I always put other people first and now I feel I shouldn’t go to the doctors I should just suffer.

Have any of you had a bad experience with any of your doctors?

Thanks for reading 

Night xx 

I will loose this baby belly no matter what it takes.

Hi everyone 

So I am incredibly determined to loose my baby belly. I’m that determined I’ve started doing 2000 sit ups a day. I started at 1000 but now I’ve moved up to 2000.

I mean I have always had an unhealthy relationship with my body since I was around 12. I mean I starved myself for years. I either didn’t eat or if I did eat I used to make myself sick.

I am so determined to loose this baby weight and baby belly I will do whatever it takes and I mean whatever it takes.

I’m trying to do it in a healthier way than starving myself, because I don’t have that option as I’m watched like 99% of the time! Especially around food. So people see me eat but I now just burn it off without people really noticing. 

I know I need help before milly grows up because I really don’t want her to go through these problems with her body or food.

The problem is I have body dysmorphia so no matter how hard I workout or how much weight I loose or how many times people say you’ve lost weight. I just don’t see it.

When I look in the mirror I just see a big fat ugly lump. It dosen’t matter that I now fit into my pre pregnancy size 10 shorts and Jeans. I still feel that is not good enough. I need to loose more weight and get smaller.

The only problem is I will never ever be happy with what the number is on the scales or what size clothes I wear I will always want to be lighter and thinner.

I hate my photo being taken especially by other people because it’s like looking in a mirror and seeing what and who you don’t want to see. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate everything about the way I look. I would honestly change everything if I could. I am fed up of looking the way I do.

Thanks for reading 

Night xx

Facts about Friends! 

Hi everyone 

Here are facts of what friends should be like to you compared to what mine are like to me. 

To be honest I don’t have any true friends and I don’t think I ever have. 

Don’t get me wrong I have always had people in my life who I thought was my friends but I have slowly realised over the past 7 years they were never really true friends.

 They just used me for what they wanted and then I became nothing to them and I have finally decided over the past couple of days I don’t want or need people like this in my life. 

I’d rather be alone with my little family than have fake people in my life. Family is the most important thing and although Lee is my best friend he is basically family and we have a beautiful baby girl together.. so he is stuck with me for life.

So this is what I would say a true friend should be like.

  • A true freind should not ignore all attemps of communication and even maybe try contact you sometimes.
  • A true friend should be there when you need them, by phone, text, messenger, in person etc. Not just when they need you.
  • A true friend should always have your back! Not stab you in it the moment it’s turned.
  • When you loose a family member at least a text or card would be nice, not to just be ignored.
  •  True friends should be happy for you when your doing well, when you are getting settled and you are happy. They should not be Jelous, bitchy and trying to constantly bring you down.

But to find out who your true friends actually are unfortunately you have to go through a hard time like an illness, a breakdown a tragedy and tbh 9 out of 10 of those so called friends will dissappear from your life when life gets tough. 

If they even attempt to get back in your life when things pick up and life gets a little better they can go swivel… where was you when the chips were down! Go use someone else. 

I don’t want or need friends in my life. I will be fine with the people I have in my life. I have had such a bad year and I don’t want any more drama in my life. 

My life is stressful enough without unneeded drama, and I’m not willing to bring anymore drama and stress into mine, lee or milly’s life.

Thanks for reading.

I hope this makes sence, I’m not the best writer in the world. I am dyslexic but im also a trier always have been and always will be.

Have a good afternoon.

My world 


 

I’m starting up my forever living buisness again… but this time its going to be different!

Hiyyah everyone 

So today I made the decision that I’m going to restart up my forever living buisness, but this time I will be my own boss. Like I was supposed to be before.

This time I’m doing it on my own, I’m not going to be pushed around, bossed about, told what to do and when to do it by a power hungry b*tch. Oh No that will not be happening again!

If I make do decide to make my own team or if anybody decides they would like to join my team and the buisness. I will support them not boss them around. They will be there own boss. I will just be there for advice and support when needed.

Because the buisness is amazing the products are amazing it was just those few power hungry people that put me off. Those people are no longer in my world. They are blocked from all social media. Luckily they never had my number.

I thought I had mad a good friend doing this. I was so wrong. Once I stopped doing the buisness. I got no reply from messenger, text or even phone calls. So you know what I don’t need fake friends. I really dont. I mean my best friend is my partner because no matter what he is always there, he always has my back and he always supports me. Yes we don’t always see eye to eye. But be honest who actually does.

I’ve decided that when I do build a team, I really would like to help give the opportunity to anyone with mental health problems because I personally don’t think there is enough opportunities out there for people with a mental illness. I also think employer’s don’t take it seriously and you end up in a worse place than before.

If you would like any information on the buisness or any products. Please get in touch. 

Thanks for reading 

Have a good day. 

Here is an article from my mum’s magazine about the products and benifits of Aloe vera.

Oops I did it again! 

Hi everyone 

I am such an idiot! I have let my meds run out again! This is the 2nd time in two months on the trot! It just dosen’t enter my head anymore that I need to reorder my prescription.

I have just reordered my prescription but it won’t be ready until Thursday… freaking Thursday…. what the hell am I going to do until Thursday?

I mean my head and mood is already a mess especially after my recent diagnosis of bipolar and doing my mood log. So going until Thursday with no meds is seriously I mean Seriously BAD!

 Oh don’t worry it gets worse everyone I know who supports me professionally is on holiday, so I have nobody to contact to help me or to sort it for me.

My head is so f*cked right now I don’t know what to do, especially with no meds. 

I mean it’s not the first time and it probably won’t be the last time I do this, because I am a total moron.

Night xx 

Dragons Den is Back!

Hi everyone 
So as I am sure you can tell from my title I really like watching Dragons Den. Do You?

I don’t know what it is about it that I like so much but I just absolutely love it.

I love seeing brave entrepreneurs pitch their products that they have worked so hard on and are so proud of and have the balls to stand up infront of five of some of the multi millionaire investors .

I love Peter Jones’s brutal honesty. (Sometimes it is a little harsh I must admit)

I just love Deborah Meaden because she gives the younger generation a chance and gives them the support they need.

I don’t really like Touker Suleyman. I just think he talks a load of rubbish. I think his offers are ridiculous and tbh he just annoys me.

Sarah Willingham is the typical Yorkshire lass we all love. Although she is a multi millionaire she just seems like a normal down to earth person. Who hasn’t forgot her roots.

I’m always undecided about Nick Jenkins. Sometimes I really like him and other times I think he is just plain rude.( I don’t like that because these people are already nervous and yes they mess up sometimes but I don’t think they need it throwing in their face tbh)

What does annoy me about some of the entrepreneurs is they use their sob stories to sell there products and I don’t like that. I want them to have faith in there products and not have to use their sob stories to get sympathy from the Dragons which dosen’t work it just either annoys them or makes them cry.. it dosen’t make them invest.

A bit of advice leave the sob stories at home… it will get you further.

Thanks for reading 

Night xx