Teething baby, heading for a breakdown and a lazy boyfriend!

Hiyyah Everyone

So Milly is teething so so bad right now it’s unreal! 

I don’t know if it feels worse for me because I am so suicidal and so done that It’s just another thing I have to worry about bu unfortunately can’t do much about!

I hate her being in pain but she has about 6 teeth coming through all at once which im sure is incredibly painful!

Unfortunately we have run out of calpol and ibroprophine which was helping, we are nearly out of bonjella and we have no money to buy anymore! STRESS

I would take the pain from her any day of the week if I could.

Mentally I’m in such a bad place that I just can’t cope with anything else! 

I feel like it’s all on me, everything is down to me.

We are moving in three weeks so I’m going to have to pack up the house whilst trying to stop a one year old pulling everything I have packed back out. MORE STRESS

We have people viewing the house to come rent it when we move into our new house which is incredibly stressfull because trying to keep the house tidy and clean with a one year old is very difficult. EVEN MORE STRESS!

Luckily we are keeping the same landlord and lady but I’m glad because they are very understanding of our situation!
We are in so much debt I don’t even know where to start, what to do, how to even start trying to pay it! So I just feel the debts are all in my name so if I kill myself nobody else will have to worry about them. EVEN MORE STRESS ON TOP

My partner is an amazing dad but he is Lazy. He sleeps until like one in the afternoon. So it’s down to me to get up with milly,give her breakfast,  get her dressed, put her down for a nap, wake my partner up, get milly lunch, get us lunch, change all millys nappys, entertain milly most of the day, do millys tea, bath milly, get her ready for bed (sometimes my partner helps) put her to bed, sort milly when she crys, get up in the night and get her milk or whatever she needs! Then it starts all over again!

Not only that I do the washing, drying, loading and unloading of dishwasher, i make tea most nights, wash millys bottels, put all clothes away!

Basically I do everything. I try tell him I need his help and every time he says yes I will do more or he says I’m trying my best! 

No I’m trying my best! I want to be dead, I don’t want to get out of bed but I do because I have to!

I love the bones of my partner and im scared of loosing him because I love him and I don’t want to be on my own but he is Lazy!

I can’t continue like this for much longer. I feel like a slave sometimes. Once we move and I start to feel better I am going to ask him to help me more than he does!

Because right now I’m falling apart, i have no fight left in me and all this, everything I have wrote is all too much!

Thanks for reading 
Night Xx

I don’t want to die… but I do

Hiyyah Everyone

So let me explain to you all what I mean!

I was talking to my boyfriend last night laid in bed and I was saying milly dosen’t need me because she has you! 

But he replied if you killed yourself I would probably kill myself so milly wouldn’t have either of us!

So I explained it’s not that I want to die it’s the fact I want everything that goes on in my brain to stop and the only way that will ever happen is to kill myself!

Do you understand what I mean? 

I know people think that it’s selfish but it’s really not because if you could be in my head all day everyday then you might understand why we get to this point!

I’m not saying that today I’m going to kill myself but there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about it!

The crisis team have been to see me and they are thinking my medication may need looking at because it may not be doing what it should be!

The lady who came to see me was really nice and because lee is going to be here tomorrow so they are going to come on monday unless I need them tommorow I can just ring and they will come.

Thanks for reading!
Have a good afternoon

Xx 

BPD and me!

Hiyyah Everyone 

So I know a lot of my followers suffer with mental health problems but for those of you who don’t I wanted to try and explain!

Although it is incredibly hard to understand if you have never been through it all we want is for people to try understand, educate themselves on our illness and not be judgemental!

My borderline personality disorder is only one of my mental health problems but I don’t want to overwhelm you with all my issues!

Let me start by saying it’s sh*t, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy because guess what we don’t want this illness!

Just because you can’t see it dosen’t mean we don’t have it but what we don’t say is that like cancer it’s killing us from the inside.

We may smile and laugh and joke sometimes that dosen’t mean we are better or that we are getting better it just means at that moment we are feeling intense feelings of happiness.

But……….

Just because we are like that in that moment or for a few hours or even days all of a sudden at the flick of a switch we become extremely depressed, suicidal, we don’t want to live anymore and we believe the world would be better without us.

What we are also amazingly good at is being very good at pretending we are ok although inside we are already dead. 

The smile we put on on the outside is just a mask. Not all the time but most of the time in my experience.

Another thing is we experience emotions very differently to people who don’t have BPD. 

So when we react to a situation you might think why they reacting like that, they don’t need to react that way! But that is not true.

Because you are not feeling the intense emotions that we are feeling. So it could be something silly to you but to us it could be massive!

So all we ask is that you don’t tell us to stop overreacting or being silly because to us that it how we feel and we can’t help that.

We don’t feel emotions the same way as people without bpd our emotions are so intense so of the scale that it’s really hard for us to deal with.

We live on a rollercoaster of different extreme emotions that never ends! We feel this daily.

 So when we say we are exhausted! We mean it! So please don’t say but you haven’t done anything, or Ive been at work all day! 
We know that and we understand that you are tired too but we want you to understand just how much it takes out of us to feel the emotions so intensely!

I battle with intense thoughts of self harming or commiting suicide on a hourly basis and I look after my one year old, i try keep my house tidy-ish but not only am I trying to be a good mother I am trying to deal with everything I’ve said above and more!

So next time you are speaking to someone and you feel in your eyes they are overreacting to a situation to them they may not be. So just try think before you say anything mean to them!

I understand it’s hard for you to understand but ive tried to explain it as truly as i can from my experience! 

I dont what you to feel sorry for me because this is my life but I just want you to try understand!

I have so many mental health workers in my life right now but they are just there to try keep me safe from myself!

They don’t have a magic cure. Yes the medication they give us is important but it isn’t a cure it’s just there to help us a little bit.

Thank you for reading.

If I have missed anything or you would like to add to this then please comment.

Night

Xx

Mental health update!

Hiyyah Everyone

Well what can I say it’s not going great tbh! 

Today my CPN came to see me after two weeks and in the space of two weeks I’ve become so unstable and extremely depressed and suicidal that she has now contacted the crisis team who will be coming to see me tomorrow!

For people who don’t know what this means I had two options either the crisis team come to the house or I am put in hospital and I really don’t want that!

Tbh right now I’m really not in a good place I am having suicidal thoughts daily, i want to self harm actually I just don’t want to be alive anymore!

I feel like a useless mum because I can’t take milly out, i cant take her to baby groups I can’t do anything with her. What kind of a mummy is that.

I honestly feel she would be better without me she has my partner and our families so she doesn’t need a useless mummy!

I mean my mood changes so often it just confuses her and i can’t do anything about it and it’s upsetting.

I want to be the best mummy I can but I let her down the first 12 months of her life and now I’m letting her down again!

She is just stuck in the house most of the day with her crazy mummy and the guilt just eats away at me everyday!

I’m heading towards a breakdown!

We are currently busy we need to pack up the house to move which we are moving to a new house in less than 4 weeks!

Trying to pack up a 3 bedroom house with a one year old pulling out everything thats been packed is so stressful and I haven’t even started packing yet!
Ive been hearing voices but not like when someone is telling you what to do it is more like when one person is talking to you its like a room full of different people are talking to me!

We are in so much debt its unbelievable!

I just can’t cope!

I really don’t want to be here anymore!
On a more positive note I had my hair done today! Totally new style! Ive never had it this short! 
Here is a pic xx

Fake smiles everyone x

Thanks for reading

Good night

Xx

1 year anniversary of my Grandad’s death! πŸ˜­πŸ˜­

A year agoToday is the day my world fell apart, when my heart broke into a billion pieces! πŸ’”πŸ’”A year ago today I lost the person who meant the world to me! Who was my world! 

A year ago today I lost My Grandad! 
A year ago today was the worst day, the worst pain I have ever felt and that pain has been with me everyday since. 
In fact today it is worse! Today I am lost! Today I just want to hug you and here your voice! 
I just want you back!
I miss you so much Grandad! I will never ever ever forget you and milly will always know what an amazing and kind hearted man and grandad you was!
The world isn’t the same now you are not in it! 
Miss you more and more everyday 
Xxxx

πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”

Thankyou for reading

Good night

Xx

Well could today get much worse! … probably not!

Hiyyah Everyone

So I am trying to be more active on my blog but I’ve just had a LOT going on!

So today we took milly to a photoshoot as we are signing her with a new agency and I am not going to lie to you all it was a f*cking disaster!!

Milly was her lovely happy self when we arrived and we was pretty organised for us anyway! 

Then it all went to sh*t!

As soon as Milly went into the studio she lost it! She usually loves the camera, loves her photo being taken and loves the attention but this morning she was like a different child!

I think there was quite a lot of factors tho, I think it was a new place, her teeth was hurting (mummy forgot the bonjella), she was tired from the early start and we didn’t take her any milk! 

But we was more organised than usual lol so that says a lot about us dosen’t itπŸ™ˆ we do try really hard!

But that’s not the worst part once we had recoverd from feeling so embarrassed because milly has never been like that before we then received a phone call from one of our bills we have been struggling to pay that we owe over 1K πŸ™ˆ

We can’t pay that! Then they wanted over Β£200 a month and we definitely can’t afford that! So I really don’t know what we are going to do! 

It’s so stressful and no mater how hard we try to get ontop of the bills etc we just get pulled back down into a lot of debt!

We barley eat as it is! We haven’t bought food in for me and my partner in months. We always make sure our baby girl has everything she needs!

My mental health is so bad right now I really dont think I can cope with this! It’s just too much!

Thanks for reading

Any advice would be appreciated!

Good night 

Xx

When you feel so unloved by your blood family!

Hiyyah Everyone

So last Wednesday my mum, dad and Grandma went over to Washington DC to see my brother and his fiance.

Which means I have basically been forgotten about! Which is not unusual when my brother is around (he is the favourite)

Basically my mum has messaged me twice but the second time was only because I messaged them to see if they wanted us to put a bet on for tgem for the grand national!

My mums horse won and once I had told her that I had transferred the winnings I haven’t heard from them. 

Which makes me feel shit!

We are looking after the dogs for them which just triggers my mental illness so badly but we have to because we owe tgem money!

So basically at the moment I’m just a dog sitter for them whilst they are away!

Wednesday the 19th is also the year anniversary of my grandad’s death and my grandad was my absolute world! 

So with all the other problems I have going on I have basically been left to deal with it by myself!

Thank god I have my amazing boyfriend and beautiful daughter to support me and to love me, and be there for me! 

I mean the day before they left they said to my partner that they can’t be there for me and my grandma. 

Don’t get me wrong I love my grandma and I know she needs support but so do I and the only person I have is my amazing partner but he has to be there for all my problems, all my brakedowns, all my mood swings, all my unstableness, all my self harm , all my suicidal thoughts. He has to take on everything!

I don’t know how I’m going to be on the 19th but it would have been nice to have all my family to support me!

I haven’t even let myself grieve properly for my grandad because I don’t want him to be gone! He was the only person in my blood family who loved me for me, who defended me, who always had faith in me, who supported me without making me feel guilty, he was my hero!

Apparently my Aunty who I hardly ever speak too in person or on the phone is going to ring me on the 19th! 

Why what’s the point!!

I will have lee and my baby girl who are in my life every single day! I don’t need people who are just ringing me to make sure I’m still alive!

Well I don’t want fake family! Family who only care when my partner points it out!

So do you know what they can all go f*ck themselves!

They don’t know or even try understand my mental illness and generally just make it worse or trigger me!

They don’t even try!

Least my partner tries! I’m lucky to have him because if I didn’t and I don’t have my grandad I would have nobody!

I would prefer to be dead than not have my partner because then I would literally have nobody to have my back!

Thanks for reading

Good night/ morning

Xx