How can a phone be ruining my life.

Hiyyah Everyone.

So a few months ago a borrowed a phone from my partners youngest brother (not the one who is currently living with us) when mine broke .(it decided to jump out of my back pocket and instead of landing on the floor decided to land in the toilet)

But during the time my phone decided to do this my grandad sadly passed away so I needed a phone to keep in touch with my family and to make arrangements.

So kindly he leant me his spare phone with a cracked screen so that I could keep ontop of things and keep in touch with my grandma as we don’t have a house phone.

So when I got my phone back after being fixed I kept it down by the side of the sofa to give my partners brother back when I saw him.

So at this point I was in shock and my head was just not anywhere and I had a baby to look after. So the last thing on my mind was keeping an eye on the phone.

I’m still greiving now because it wasn’t long ago when my grandad sadly passed away.

So a few weeks ago keeping in mind he lent me it in April -May time he rung me asking if he could have his phone back.

I said yes but when I went to look for the phone it wasn’t there. I swear that is where I put it.

I wasn’t sure if I gave it to my partners mum to give back to his brother so I said that.

Then I got don’t be trying to put the blame on my mum. It was your responsibility to look after it and you lost it.

The thing is I wasn’t blaming their mum I was just saying I can’t remember if I gave it to their mum or not.

Well yesterday I had a huge argument with my partners brother  (the one who is living with us)  because he decided that he needed to get involved.

So not only did I have my partners youngest brother ringing me daily asking me if I had found the phone. (When would I have time to look for a phone I have a 9 month old baby to look after)

I honestly think they think I do nothing all day. They underestimate how hard and time consuming looking after a baby is.

Anyway back to yesterday well my partners brother’s phone is braking (the one who is living with us) and he sent me a really aggressive and angry text about the phone. (Once again has nothing to do with him)

I don’t even understand why his little brother said he could use the phone that he knows is lost.

So basically he caused the argument but it got much worse.

The names he called me was ridiculous over a phone so I didn’t reply my partner did because it upset me.

The fact that we have helped him out so much and he did that just hurt me.

The thing is it didn’t hurt me like it should have because I get the blame for everything from every so I’m used to it.

It ended in my partner getting in an argument with his brother and threatening to kick him out if he cam home and kicked off.

He knew he was in the wrong in the end because at first when we got home he was pissed at me but as the night went on he started talking to me again.

Tbh I wouldn’t have cared if he didn’t.

Well today my partners mum came over to see Milly and I asked her if she would watch milly whilst I searched the house from top to bottom. 

When I say top to bottom I mean top to bottom and I promise you now that phone is not here.

I don’t know where it’s gone! 

I don’t know if someone has taken it!

All I know is I am never going to hear the end of it.

I’m so broken as a person both mentally and physically I can’t cope with stupid little things like this.

I know I’m to blame but it’s not like I haven’t tried to find it.

I’m just done!

The only thing that keeps me going is this little one.

Any advice is welcome.

Thanks for reading 

Night xx

Our health visitor is a joke!

Hiyyah Everyone.

Our health visitor came today to see Milly for her 9 month check.

She is an absolute joke!

I know for a fact that babies under 1 can not have cows milk until they are over 12 months.

I know this because I worked in a nursery before I became extremely ill with my mental illness and under no circumstances should you give your baby cows milk to drink until they are over one years old.

You can put it in food but they can’t just drink it because there stomachs can’t handle it. It can make them really poorly.

She says it everytime I feel like she is trying to make us look like bad parents.

One important  thing she did say that I think it is important that all you parents know. Well that everyone knows really.

If your child swallows a small circular battery from like hearing aids, watches and small children’s toys.

Don’t just expect them to poop it out like you would if they swallowed a coin take them straight to A&E!

Because the battery becomes stuck to the childs esophagus and burns through it. It not only causes them pain but it does irreparable damage.

I mean if it can cause this much damage to kids why do they use them in kids toys.

She also said we need to be prepared and buy baby gates. which we do! But I didn’t think we needed them until milly actually started moving.

Also something else that I didn’t know is that you don’t need plug socket covers anymore.

The reason is because the way the plug sockets are designed now apparently kids can’t push things into them because they have a lock.

She is not the most trustworthy person on what to do and what not to do. 

So does anybody know if this is true or not? 

She also started questioning us about jobs, money etc. 

To be honest that has nothing to do with her. She is there to make sure milly is looked after, developing well and give advice.

She is not there to belittle us and make us feel like useless parents.

She even asked me if I was stable… like mentally stable. 

I’m not! but I have my CPN and other professionals that are actually trained in mental illness and are not ignorant.

I would love to hear other people’s experiences with your health visitors.

Did you find them helpful?

Thankfully she doesn’t come again until Milly is between 2 &2 1/2. Unless we need her.

Trust me we don’t need her.

Thanks for reading.

Night xx

Let’s talk Eating Disorders!

Hiyyah Everyone.
So this is a subject very close to my heart that I have never really opened up about.

I have suffered with eating disorders since I was around 12 -13 and I have struggled ever since.

I have a true fear of food. I hate to eat and when I do it I feel incredibly guilty.
But I used to be so much worse than that but I hid it (actually I still hide it )really well.

This is how my battle go’s 

My eating disorder started in high school because in my head I was fat. My head constantly told me I was fat! I believed I was fat…

…So I didn’t eat and if I did eat usually around my parents or family I would make my self throw up.

I know it’s not nice but I had no control over the situation.
Occasionally I would have a big binge but I would always make myself sick afterwards and work out like a crazy person. 

I would also count and track every single calorie that went in my body so I knew exactly how much I had to burn off.

I became that obsessed with counting calories I no longer had to search or look for how many calories I ate I just knew.

Basically my head was just a calorie counting machine. Honestly I knew what was in everything. 

I wouldn’t eat a friends house I would just say I’ve already eaten or I would say I’m not hungry.

It wasn’t a lie tho because after so long of not eating I no longer felt hungry. I still felt fat but not hungry.

This went on for a long time, a very long time.

I couldn’t get any help but I also didn’t want help because I didn’t feel I needed help. I felt like I was in control… 


I also have to battle everyday with body dysmorphia which isn’t as well known or understood. 
It’s basically where what you see isn’t what anybody else sees when they look at you.

What definitely dosen’t help is when people say your not fat, there is nothing to you, stop being ridiculous and many other unnecessary comments.

I found this quote on pintrest but It’s not just girls. Don’t call anyone fat! And don’t skinny shame people either! Everybody is different.

I think that the media don’t help anybody they show these perfect airbrushed slim models that everyone wants to look like.

When your young you believe they just look like that and then when you grow up you know that they are airbrushed but you still want to look like them.

I also believe that it gives boys/ men and girls/ women unrealistic views of either sex.

During this time I tried diet after diet but I swear dieting made me fatter.

So then I went back to not eating (which os not the right thing to do) 

My boyfriend says that when he met me over two years ago I was too thin. I felt I was really fat and needed to loose weight.

At this point I hadn’t been eating much at all and working out loads and I was very poorly mentally with both my borderline personality disorder and my eating disorder.

And when we met he had no clue that I had all these issues.

Until he asked me out on a date and it was too a restaurant.
I literally just played with my food but the more we met the more he started to realise but that was when we was spending everyday together.

I didn’t look like the girls in the magazine’s far from it but he still fell in love with me.

I don’t know why! But he did and now we have a beautiful baby girl together.

I did find pregnancy very very hard tho watching my body get bigger and bigger. I mean when I was 8.5 months pregnant people thought I was like 4 months pregnant.

But I felt huge. I still do. Since having my baby girl 9 months ago my eating disorder came back with a bang!

Well it never left I just had to fight it more to keep my baby well. I worked out every single day when I was pregnant tho. I didn’t miss one day of working out.

I’m not going to lie I was desperate to loose my baby weight and I used laxatives to kick start my weight loss. I also didn’t eat and had one shake a day and I would work out daily.

I was also and still am battling postnatal depression. I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t care about anything. I wanted to die.

Now I’m still struggling with my eating disorders but I’m trying so hard now my daughter is getting older and is taking everything in to be a good role model with food and body shaming myself.

It’s so hard tho because it’s ingrained in my head I can’t lie I struggle daily.

 I try get away with not eating but my partner is well tuned into my behaviour now but if he is not in I can get away with it.

I worry about my weight daily. I weigh myself about 10x a day. I know it’s not healthy but I’m addicted.

I do need help because I don’t want my daughter to think this behaviour is right. 

I want her to be confident in herself in her body. I want her to know she is beautiful even if anyone says different. I want her to be confident in her own skin. I also want her to build others confidence and not put them down.

I don’t want her to think she is “IT” I just want her to be comfortable in her own skin. 

I want her to be the opposite of me! 

I’m sorry I can’t give you a happy ending to my story because my story hasn’t ended.

I don’t ever think it will!

I just think/hope it will get easier.

I mean I’m no expert but if I can help any of you I will!

Thanks for reading.

Night xx

Why am I such a f*ck up!

Hiyyah Everyone.

So for the passed few days I have felt like I wanted to die. I just don’t want to be alive!

I’ve been feeling this way for months now but day by day it has become worse and worse! 

It’s not helped by the fact that my partners brother constantly tries to wind me up and what makes it worse is that all the blame comes to me.

The worst part is that it is causing arguments between me an my partner. 

We hardly ever used to argue but now we argue nearly every other day and it makes us both feel sh*t.

I think it’s not helped by the fact that I am greiving really bad at the loss of my grandad.

It’s still very raw at only 6 months and the realisation has just hit me and what comes with that anger!

I’m not angry at my partner. I’m just angry .

I’m not usually an angry person but everything currently makes me angry if not angry pissed off.

The worst part is I feel I’m going to end up pushing my partner away for good.

I push people away who I love so I don’t hurt them but then I end up hurting them by pushing them away.

I think my partner is close to leaving. I don’t think he can take much more.

He hasn’t said that he is going to leave but that’s how it feels especially when he says he can’t take it anymore.

I mean it may just be in my f*cked up head but that is the way I feel and I can’t help that .

I think I must explain it wrong because when I try to explain it I end up in an argument.

The thing is I constantly feel like I have to defend myself and my partner says that I don’t have to defend myself but I feel I do.

I never used to defend myself I just used to let people walk all over me. Well I still do but I also will defend myself. 

Not everytime but more than I used to.

I feel like my world is slowly falling apart and there is nothing I can do about it! 

Thanks for reading.

Have a good afternoon.


My struggle with postnatal depression!

Hiyyah Everyone.

This is a serious subject that I feel dosen’t get taken seriously enough.

So here is my story.

When I had Milly on January 10th 2016 I had already been through an incredibly difficult pregnancy.

Every week we had scans and checks and we didn’t know if they was going to bring her every week.

During this time I did have to go back on my medication and people can judge and criticise me for it but I couldn’t cope.

I looked at the risks with both my physciatrist doctor and my CPN and my partner and we all decided that for my safety I needed to be back on my medication.

I stayed of them until after my 20 week scan and I became so mentally unstable I had to be put back on my medication and after 20 weeks the baby should be ok.

Obviously there was a slight risk and I took that risk and I felt so so guilty for taking the risk but it needed to be done.

My placenta wasn’t working correctly in the end so they had to induce me at 37 weeks. 

I was also in labour for nearly 4 days. Then ontop of that I had to stay in for nearly another week ontop of that.

Which is classed as Term but not full term but she was tiny she was 5lb 11oz but she was smaller than a doll and she was in under 5lb clothes until she was about 6 weeks old. 

She was tiny! 

But I never got that mad rush of love like my partner and my mum did. I just wanted to sleep.

I went through hell and back the first 6 months of milly being born because we didn’t have a bond.

Milly didn’t want anything to do with me and to be very honest I didn’t want much to do with her at the time. 

I was so poorly mentally anyway but then I got postnatal depression on top of that and I just broke down.
I got a little support to help me and milly bond by doing baby massage. 

This was when milly was around 4-5 months and it began to help but then my grandad passed away and that just broke me.

So my partner Milly’s dad stepped up massively and did his best to not only look after milly but to keep me safe from myself.

Then from around 7 months I started coming around and I started trying really hard to bond with Milly. 

And It was hard work really hard work!

We slowly started spending more and more time together.

Milly is now over 9 months old and our bond is still not perfect but it is a hell of a lot better than it was. 

I’m proud but I also feel so guilty!

The reason I feel guilty is because although I was in Milly’s life everyday I don’t feel like I was.

I have very little memory of anything we did together until recently.

Luckily I took photos daily on my phone to try remind myself.

Last thing that I would like you to know so if anyone is out there and happens to read my blog and you need help I want you to know it’s safe to ask for help and this is how I know:

I was so scared to ask for help incase social services came and took my baby away and I know that is what everybody thinks.

But I promise that this is the last ever option!

My CPN told me that they feel more confident in you as a parent if you ask for help.

I mean I was lucky I had my CPN who arranged help for me because I know doctors can be useless especially when it comes to mental illness.

All I ask is if you are suffering please don’t suffer in silence please ask for help!

If you can’t ask a doctor speak to someone you trust.

I’m here and I will try help you but I’m no professional I’m just a person who understands.

Thanks so much for reading.

Any thoughts and opinions welcome.

Have a good afternoon.


Mentally I’m done, physically I smile! 

Mentally I’m done, physically I smile! 

Hiyyah Everyone.

I’m done!

I can’t take any more too much has gone on over the past few days, weeks even months.

It’s all just hitting me now and on top of that I have both my partners brothers, my partner actually everyone pecking at my head.

So the other day I finally snapped and I lost it with my partners brother.

To be honest I didn’t even realise I had lost it until my partner told me but that was it I just broke down and let it all out.

And to be fair over the past few days he has really stepped up and I told him how grateful I was.

The only thing is this usually usually only happens for a short time but I think it’s finally sunk in that I can’t cope if I have to do it all.

Sometimes my partner says that the mess is in my head and I overthink about everything but I can’t help that that’s part of my illness.

Which my partner understands but no other member of either of our families understand… especially my family!

I feel trapped everywhere I go I’m trapped in my head.

I may be somewhere else but I’m actually just trapped on my head.

It’s a scary place to be inside my head at the moment so being wound up and pecked at really dosen’t help.

And somehow even when I’m defending myself I get the blame.

My home used to be my safe place now I don’t even have a safe place.

I just feel trapped, lost and hurt.

I also feel that I am a burden on everyone else.

When I have days or weeks feeling like this I honestly do feel like I would be better of dead.

Then my pain would finally be over.

I would no longer be a burden on anyone.

I would no longer be able to be wound up or get angry at loved ones. Or feel lonely in a roomful of people. I would no longer be scared of my shadow. I would no longer be able to hurt myself.
I would just be gone! and I feel that would be the best thing gor everyone.

I push the people I love and care about away so they don’t get hurt. 

I know you should talk to your loved ones when you feel this way but I can’t because I don’t want to hurt them.

I don’t open up I just keep it all inside because I would rather my illness eat me up inside than the people I love.

What I would like to say is thank you to all the other bloggers on hear who share your own personal stories.

You guys are amazing and so brave and a true inspiration to others!

Thanks for reading.

Night xx

Fuming isn’t the word!

Hiyyah Everyone.

So today started off as a normal sunday morning getting up and getting ready to go watch the team my partner coaches.

He dosen’t have to go to every game but he does to show his team that he cares but as he can’t drive I have to go which I don’t mind.

Well I didn’t mind until today…

So we arrived on time.. actually early! (I know shocking right!)

But what we arrived to we wasn’t expecting.

But I will have to go back a few days so you understand what originally happened on Thursday.

I wasn’t there so I am just going on what my partner and the other parents told me.

Returning to Thursday now!

So a usual Thursday my partner coaches the under 13’s from 7pm until 8pm.

But this Thursday he did coach the under 13’s but there was one lad who I won’t name who kept bullying this other boy who is a lot smaller and has a heart condition.

The bully lad kept kicking the other boys ball away and winding him up and saying things to him.

So apparently the other lad kicked out but nobody saw this.

So the bully lad got this poor lad in a head lock and started punching him.

So my partner split it up and bully lad started swearing at my partner so without thinking or realising my partner called him a little shit and told him to go home.

Which was the right thing to do!

But the other lad was so upset and scared that the bully was going to get his friends to beat him up so the other lad didn’t want to go to school on Friday.

Now you know what happened now so we will go back to this morning.

We arrived and my partner says stand with the parents you will be fine

Well it was not! 

Because we had no clue what had just happened before we got there.. a quick update from the manager would have been nice.

So before we got there they had had a meeting with the parents of the two boys and some how bully boys mother who is a bitch twisted around on my partner.

Then whilst I was stood there she was saying shit about my partner. 

I honestly nearly killed her nobody says shit about my family .

I’ve had a really bad couple of months and I didn’t need this on top and neither did my partner.
She was shouting “I’m not being funny but he shouldn’t be stood there until an investigation  (that she just made up in her head) has been done.

She just stood there giving me evils.

I honestly felt like smashing her face in and I probably wouldn’t have stopped. 

I’m not a violent person unless you mess with my family then things change.

The only thing that stopped me was the fact milly was there and the parent of the other boy  who my partner stood up for.

She said to me don’t do anything because you could make it worse for your partner  (well she said his name)

The thing is all the other parents are on my partners side.

One parent even said well if she isn’t happy with him coaching bully boy then she can take him to another club.

So after the match my partner spoke to bully boys mother and she wouldn’t listen to him.

She just kept calling him a liar and not making her son take any responsibility for anything although he is a bully and is very disrespectful to everyone especially his coaches.

Why would he lie he has more to loose from this situation than to gain.

She was the liar she said her son went home and told her which is bullshit.

I kmow this because another parent who dropped her son home that night told me she didn’t even know about what happened until the manager rung her on Friday.

She also said that another coach swears at her son but he has never come home and told her!

How does that make sence? How did she know then did she use her phsycic powers.

I’m not being funny but she just dosen’t like my partner because he sent her son home for being a bully and fighting and he doesn’t put up with his attitude.

She was so arrogant and thought she knew everything and she wasn’t even there. 

Stupid BITCH!

I know my partner was slightly in the wrong for calling her son a little shit, although he is and all the other parents agree he is…

But that doesn’t excuse that her son is a bully.

She doesn’t want my partner to train him.. well that’s fine because he dosen’t want to train him anyway.

My partner will not let bullying happen. The poor lad gets bullied at school go’s to football to get away from it and then it’s happening at football the poor little lad won’t want to go anywhere.

We all know how shit schools are about sorting bullying out they just say they are following the policy..

Not sorting it but following the policy.

But on a good note my car stayed in one piece today. I know miracle right?

Thanks for reading 

Sorry about the rant. I just needed to get it of my chest.

Night night everyone 

Let’s get drunk!!!!! Only way I know to cope